tarkis's Diaryland Diary

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It all changed

It has been so long.. so much has happened.. and inner peace comes in fleeting moments.

Where to begin.. I guess I always knew my son was different.. Not sure if too many kids are sent to a child psychologist before the age of 2.. I should have known then something was up.. He was just so intelligent and creative.. and the doctor reassured me that he was wonderful... just gifted, I guess... and everything did go well.. well not so well I guess.. he was asked to leave pre-k because he wanted school not playtime and did not play well.. kindergarten was a problem until they let him create his little plays and get the kids to act in them..
I still did not think too much on it..
but I should have - I should have known.. a mother should be able to sense these things. maybe I did and just did not want to think anything bad could be happening to my beautiful smart little boy.
I kept my son involved.. scouts, sports ( he hated ) band, chorus, karate, plays, anything that I could I did.. and he loved some... got great grades.. teachers.. adults loved him.. he developed some friends.. not many.. more and more he kept to himself.
Got accepted to a great college.. I sent him off with his dreams..
but his dreams weren't enough.. about the time he turned 20.. something started happening.. little things that I couldn't quite put my finger on.. but a mother senses.. yet, I did nothing.. wanting to bellieve that he was merely growing apart as many young adults do trying to find their own way.
His senior year at college - he was in trouble.. I did not know how badly - he had his own aprtment - shared with a great friend ( girl who really kept him together long enough to graduate ) but he was falling apart inside..
He had gone to docs on campus but they hadn't really helped him.. little did I understand at the time what was happening.
We brought him home.. he got better kind of.. worked.. found his way.. applied to grad school.. got accepted and started dreaming again..
First year was great.. and then the bottom started falling out - but he wasn't home and he always said everything was fine when we spoke on the phone.. He had written a screenplay for a campus television show.. the first episode was ingenious - everyone said so.. he acted and worte beautifully.. it went on the internet.. it was loved.. but then he crashed..
I think the phone call from the police saying they had called an ambulance and were taking my son to the hospital.. as a precaution.. before he could commit suicide was one of the scariest times for a mother.. My baby.. my precious was in so much pain.. and I couldn't help him.
He is home now.. he couldn't go back to school.. seeing doctors.. therapists - everyone trying to figure out what went wrong - is wrong..
He is a substitue teacher.. he feels he could never be a teacher and have all the responsibility .. maybe when and if he gets better.. he has another job opportunity... maybe it will be ok.. he wants it to.. his dreams have changed.. he has changed.. now there is no pretense of trying to be outgoing.. he dreams of the time when he will be better but for now

he stays in his room.. lost in his own mind..

I cry in mine..

8:19 a.m. - 2012-04-28

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