tarkis's Diaryland Diary


what will be

I need to write - i know that.. I have always known that. It is my least destructive form of trying to deal with who I am and everything that surrounds me.

Should I have been surprised that my son has mental health issues.. brain abnormalities.. when I have always known my head did not work quite like what I thought was the norm..

Remember the many me's of me.. long periods of solitude.. and still I stay locked in my own reality.. more me than ever before though.. at least a nice blend now of Whitney.. Leandra.. and Alex.. Sara and Lynn are mostly silent now.. just memories. But I always thought it was because of childhood.. its brutality.. but maybe it was lurking there all the time.. abnormalities of reality.

My son has them.. each doctor gives a different diagnosis.. a doctor that isn't treating him now called to check up on him.. to make sure we were getting the proper care for him.. That was sooo nice - but what is the proper care.. no one seems to know yet..

I want to start over with him.. I want to get him proper medical care as a child.. not just believe that though he is different he is alright..

Does he suffer from some type of autism.. he doesn't want meds that will take away his creativity.. but right now he can't create.. he tries to write but is not able.. he dreams but can't get he dreams out - and he is so lonely I want to scream at the world .. My son is here.. love him please.. he is such a good person..

He went back to college last nite to see a friend who was in a play being performed. When she found out he was coming for sure she let everyone know in his improv group that he would be there.. They couldn't wait to see him.. Why can't he understand people do care. I called to make sure he was alright and he said.. don't wait up.. IF I come home it will be very very late tonite.... Everything is going great... but then he left to come home 2 hours later...he paused when I asked if he had a good time.. went for a long walk shortly after.. he likes to walk late at night in the silence of the night.. It is easier to listen to the voices in his head.

It hurts to see him walking so alone at night.. it is his moment of meditation I guess.. possibly therapeutic.. possibly just another example of his aloneness.

But.. he heard from new job.. they checked out his references and he will be given a physical and training will start shortly.. He has a busy week lined up for substitute teaching..

and maybe my prayers to the universe will not go unheard..

Please dear fates.. go gently with his soul

8:47 a.m. - 2012-04-29


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