tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I just will not ok.. so I cried for 8 hours... not the loud sobbing cries... just the tears that didn't stop.. complete despair. and this morning my eyes are swollen. But i will be alright. It is not so much that I wanted him to come out to go to the alumni crap thing with me because deep down I did not want to go... and I did not want it to take away from what precious little time I would have had with him.. I just miss him and wanted to see his face... wanted to feel his smile and rest my head on his shoulder but it's not to be and won't be. I really understand that now... we will not see each other again. I will not go out there because I will not go without him asking me to and ... he won't. He will not come out here. We could meet in the middle but then he would have to want to see me and he doesn't. so ok... this is my life. I just need to deal with it. I had to go to the bank yesterday and I ran into a person I hadn't seen for many many years. At one time we had been chums.. good chums... or at least I had thought. He flirted with me at the bank not realizing who I was and seeing me as just an attractive person.. which at the time seemed good because I was having trouble keeping the tears from flowing down my cheeks... and then he realized who I was and he said the most hateful thing to me.. without regards to how I would feel.. and then it brought it all back... and he wasn't my chum.. never was as I remembered other hateful things he would say... things I just let roll over because that is what people did to me.. said mean things.. did I expect more? Well I didn't then... and I may not now... but there is a difference now... because now I will demand to be treated nicely or stay out of my life. When the tears stopped.. I came to that conclusion... everyone.. keep your crap... don't give it to me ... just stay out of my life... I will not go to the reunion... I will not listen to anymore nasty comments... I just will not. 6:26 a.m. - 2003-07-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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