tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my son is fine My son is fine... well, very bad inner ear infections that went inward ... but he will be fine. and I have been smiling all day. Actually when I woke this morning and found that I still felt the same, I knew the bads were behind me for now and that it would be Ok for my son. it is OK for my heart... it is Ok for my soul... After dropping my son back at school and hurrying to work a song came on that could have only been meant for me... an oldie that was like I was being spoken to... "workin my way back to you, babe"... but only if you knew the question and all the words. and I have to play it straight.... and actually that decision made me feel so much better about myself. funny how just the thought of going against what I truly feel played so much havoc with my mind...and heart and soul. I have to play it straight... just too important to who I am and who I am coming ointo being. I just have to get it right this time.... no more shortcuts... no more easy way out... no more. I will be Ok... and what I feel will be honest and pure... and the gods will take care of whatever happens because of that... but I will not pretend.. or settle ...or be anything other than what I am. and I thought about his hands... and the only other person I felt anything for had hands like his... well, not so much the hands but the shape of his fingers... funny how you remember some things... like the shape of someone's fingers.. funny how when it came down to actually making that commitment, I ran... maybe it was because he had his hands.. his fingers... and the memories were too much. Or maybe... in the scheme of things, this is where everything brought me to. and i am sitting here thinking of hands and fingers entwined... childish hands... trying to trust and so frightened of that trust.. funny how I felt safe with him... that he would never let anyone hurt me. I just had to worry about him. 6:55 p.m. - 2003-01-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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