tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- where did I get the courage? Mother's Day today and as I walked past my son's bedroom and looked in at his sleeping face, I thought how wonderfully lucky I am to have been given this blessing of this boy. Yesterday I had to go to this horrible Mother Daughter luncheon that i have to go to every year... this year my godmother went also. It was good for her as just a little over a year ago she lost her only child.. a daughter my age and so now... our relationship has become more important to her.... so my sister and I went to this horrible luncheon and the speaker was an ex-nun. Now, I know I am not very Catholic in many of my ideas but I would never go so far as to stand upand say that had she died while still a Catholic nun... even as much as she loved God and Jesus and tried to do good things for them... she would not have gone to heaven. I squirmed in my seat and kept listening... my sister kept jabbing me in my ribs and smirking... we waited until the alloted time ( we had said we needed to leave early) and then got up and left in the middle of her talk. When we got outside a man was there... he said... is she still talking... is she firghtened? I asked him if he was her husband and he said yes.. and then he started to put the church down also... I held up my hand... I said before you go much farher... I said... I can see in your face how much you love her and i am glad she found you... but I am Catholic and I am going to heaven... and quite frankly.. I don't believe in hell. So while I wish you a very good day.. I think you need to rethink exactly what your reasons for blasting the church really are... I have. and I walked away. He stood there with his mouth open and I grabbed my sister's arm as I walked out ... she was standiing there with her mouth open. I am normally so reserved and shy.... I don't know why I said that ... or even how I got the courage to say it.. maybe because I dislike how I feel when I am in there church so very much... but we laughed afterwards. and then it was such a beautiful day.. the best day yet of spring... I worked a little outside until my date with L. and that was good also.... but he wanted to talk about me... and I lied about something that I just couldn't explain yet..and I don't like that so... next week I will tell him the truth... why did I lie? I lied because I just didn't have the energy to get into my forgotten years... neither the energy nor the courage to deal with the pain it may bring. I am in a good place emotionally... and I wanted to stay there...and he wants to know everything about me.. and no one ever has wanted that before... no one has ever really cared who I really was... K has never been that important. and now I find myself wanting to know who K really is.. without the others.. I want to know who the K is that finally feels as if she can start living.. I want to know who it was that died in her arms... why he was so important to her. and the rains have started... torrential type rains... time to get off as the lights flicker. 7:52 a.m. - 2003-05-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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