tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- enforced contemplation The thing I like best about road trips is the time you get to think about who you really are. This was a wonderful few days... exactly what I needed on so many different levels. I did not end up going west... not where my heart was leading... no... in the end, the runes and the old man and life just won out and I ended up taking my son to see his father. My reasons for wanting to go west were, in the final analysis .. so wrong that now looking back I laugh at what I thought I would achieve. Honesty.. I have been confronted these last few days with having to be totally honest... to the gods and to myself.. and some really bizarre things happened. Closure... in my simple mind I had thought I would go and achieve closure.. the final good-by... how truly naive I am about our relationship.. and how blessed I am to have the gods attention... for sure it is because they look after fools and children... and I guess I place tops in both categories.. and my dreams... the old man found me sitting on a stone crying... when he asked me what was wrong... I was angry and told him since he knew so much why ask me... he knows. he laughed at my anger... at my childish display of temper and opened wide his arms... Step into the colors with me, he said... and I did. and D was there... a child of 7 or 8 maybe with his long dark hair in waves about him... looking out with the biggest of eyes smiling as he worked on his figures.. he was carving the most beautiful faery... its wings of the thinnest wood... so talented he was for such a young child.. but then we were the special ones.. I, a child also of 7 or 8 watching his hands already so skillful and creating such beauty in the wood... I wished that I had his gift... but I had others... I asked him could I hold the faery.. I would be so very careful... he didn't want to let me touch them... I had problems with my feet... I didn't always walk well.. but the elders told him not to be that way... that was not our way so he let me hold the faery. I was being so careful becasue I did not want to do anything to ruin what he had made.. not just because it was so beautiful but because it was of him... and then it happened... my feet didn't work the way they should and I tripped dropping the faery. it's wing broke. I remember the look in his eyes... he didn't see the pain in mine.. he was angry and hurt that I had ruined what he had worked so hard on... he didn't see the tears in mine nor how sorry I was. He thought I had done it on purpose because I was jealous of his gift... and he said so... and it made me angry that I had been so sad for him and so sorry that I refused to tell him the truth... the elders told us to take a break ... to go to the forest.. to find our peace in its greeness... and we always did as they told us... and the forest did make us feel better.. its healing properties soothing our angers and then everything turned bad. It had rained not long before and everything was wet... we were going to climb a small slope... he went before me to pull me as my legs could not go as well as he ... he held my hand pulling me up as I tried to gain my footing ... but then he let go. and I fell... and my weakened bones could not take the fall. I knew he had done it on purpose... I did not see the tears or hurt in his eyes... I could only see the anger and pain in me for letting me go. He did this because he thought I had broken his faery I thought... he's jealous that I have the touch of healing... I did not see it was only my wet and dirty hands that slipped from his grasp. Not his fault at all.. The old man looked at me then... your paths have been set in motion long before this reality... did you think you could so easily close the book on who he is to you... do you still not know? I don't remember much more of the dream... but I do know... that what I don't know ... can fill volumes. It was just the best few days...if you omit the " my son's father stuff.. enforced comtemplation... just what I needed 11:05 p.m. - 2003-05-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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