tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- confirmation so we all got through confirmation.. and it was nice. all my kids did their respective resonsibilities well... they all had distinct roles in the mass and they did them far better than I would have expected. I secretly had been waiting for the HS to come down on these kids as he did at Pentecost.. as this is what it is suppose to be about.. that the kids will be filled with the holy spirit and just as the desciples were sent then to carry on the word... so should they.. so in my show me attitude... my laughing that my pagan son is being confirmed attitude.. I waited. the whole night went strangely... my friend came as her 2 children were being confirmed.. I had told her to sit with me.. she did and she brought him... co-incidentally? he is catholic and goes to this church and was there because my son had told him he was being confirmed and so he had chosen this mass.. this very long mass.. to do his weekly duty and now because of my friend.. he was sitting next to me.. sharing my song book.. sharing my son's confirmation.. sharing who he is... sharing memories... this is the same person she had so wanted to fix me up with a few months ago... the same person that I thought was gay.. that now seems.. well, not gay... he was great to be around.. I really like him.. I really was glad he was there to share this with me.. so I wasn't alone.. and the thing is... I was just being me.. and he seemed to like me.. to search me out.. later at the reception... I kept making eye contact.. a smile.. but he is gay and younger... probably too much younger. but anyway... I had been waiting.. waiting... not sure for what.. just something... and then it happened.. as the last child was leaving the bishop... the lights dimmed.. distinctly dimmed... and all the priests... all 6 of them and the bishop and the deacons.. they all looked up... and everyone in the pews looked up... but i knew... and I smiled... and everyone smiled because all of us were thinking the same thing... the heavens had accepted our children. so why this morning do I feel so alone and lost and vulnerable, so why can't I find the right door... so why am I so frightened and not able to explain this fear? and why do I seem to miss that one... more than I have in such a long time? why? 7:57 a.m. - 2003-06-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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