tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- update of my life Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I will keep saying that over and over again today...along with... my life is what I make it. So many changes rapidly approaching .. I don't do well with change which is probably why I have let myself hold on to someone that really does not care an ounce for me... unless he needs something.. even if only a sympathetic ear... and I will always have that for him because along the way I've learned some things. But ... MY life... well, it is time to start on it... not hanging in the shadows waiting for only god knows... but it is time to start .. maybe timidly... but it is time to start on the rest of my life. And my son's life...well, we have made some decisions.. he will go to the local university... we looked at its ranking... ranks well... ( and of course my son liked its ranking as one of the top party universities ) and if I have moved will live in our house with roommates... or if I am still here..with me.... depending on life and his grades and his responsibleness... he will go to England for part of his Sophomore year to study... and if the house needs to be sold when I move.. well, he will live with his uncle Mike for a bit... and if I have moved...and if he likes the schools where I have moved to.. well, maybe he will go there.. but we have considered this from many stances and at the moment we are both happy. and then there of course is my life... working from home.. not sure how it will work out. Relationships...well, as much as I like L ... as much fun as we have together... don't you think it a bit odd that after all this time... off and on for over a year... that it has not gotten sexual? I know he is an honorable person.. but gee.. something just seems to be lacking.. and I guess it would have to be for both of us.. and it is not as if we haven't been in places or situations where we could have taken advantage of the aloneness. he is confusing... we were looking at houses last week as we drorve...we had come upon a house that I fell in love with... in the midst of nowhere.. and it seemed empty... not stone but brick... not like me normally.. but there was something about the house... just something.. and then he told me off handedly that in the next 3 years he planned to have moved... he said he had never intended to live where he was... it was just until the house was built or found closer to where his office was... of course the divorce changed all that.. but still he doesn't want his youngest son to go to high school in the city.. can he be that honorable? But, we are not seeing each other for a few weeks.. family obligations and all that... my son will go to tryouts this week for another production.. and if he makes it.. our life will be busy once again... and then there is that matter with D.. something still makes me want to see him... I think of flying there... I think.... and then I think... move forward... stop this... and then I smile.. thinking of D always does make me smile in the end. 9:18 a.m. - 2003-08-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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