tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bobbi is happy now the call came... one so unexpected.. from so deep in my past... doors I thought locked. How easily they can be opened. How the past is like an old and dead branch.. lifeless... just attached... yet dangerous to those it falls upon. The call came from someone I did not know... he called me by a name so long ago forgotten.. I hesitated... I asked who he was looking for... and he explained. He had found that name... and a number... and a note among his sister's belongings. For emergencies... and my gut wrenched. I admitted that yes... it was I and asked what had happened to his sister... Bobbi? And I remembered Bobbi the first time I had seen her... How beautiful she was... Not like me... her skin olive... just a tint... the kind that tans easily and well. her hair so shiny and brown... not like mine.. curly and reddish blonde without a trace of grace. She was beautiful... graceful... and I felt clumsy and clod like around her.. but we became friends. She was married and her husband loved her so much... They loved each other. I often hoped that I would one day find that person that I could love and would love me in just that way. I thought Bobbi had it all... she laughed and the world laughed... She cried and the everyone around her thought it was important. I did at first... for just a bit and then... I saw the decline start. Bobbi and I were not so close firends... her husband wasn't sure he liked me being around.. they were changing crowds... and the crowd they were going to wasn't one I wanted to be in. We would see each other often... sometimes stop for coffee or lunch... I saw the change in her. Her hair wasn't quite so shiny anymore... her skin not so bright. She stopped being clever and funny... started being more desparate... more frightening. She took to wearing long sleeves - even in the summer.. She took to not bathing as often.. or changing her clothes so often or washing them for that matter.. and then when I would see her on the street.. I would try to act as if I had not noticed her.. We talked on the phone... she went into rehab many times... in and out.. each time saying this would be the fix.. her husband died a few years ago... and Bobbi went back to rehab and this time would be the cure... I had moved away from her so long ago... had only stayed in touch with her sporadic phone call.. the last being when he had died.. and now.. now... Bobbi was dead... she had been found in her room... when the smell started to permeate the hallway... and even in that hallway the smell was too much. Bobbi was dead and I vomited... but I knew finally Bobbi was at peace. and me... should I feel what I am feeling about myself.. after all.. Bobbi is finally in a better place.. or am I just making excuses for my own neglect of someone who after all these years had kept a number on me... for emergencies. 7:19 a.m. - 2004-03-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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