tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my birthday today is my birthday... another year has passed. this past year has been the containment of highs and lows as I would not have thought possible.... certainly not as I thought back as to where I was a year ago at this time. I almost lost my son.. who has given me more proud moments than I probably deserve... he has also given me a few more grays hairs to color. I experienced love... at least close to it or I thought.. I finally trusted... not that it did me much good... I had the best New Year's and a few weeks of being head over heels in love... What a feeling! Even Xmas this year was OK because I knew in a few short days Dan would be here for a week... and it was wonderful. and I have gone to the pits... the lowest of the lows that I could have gone to... even scared me for a few days... that I was in a place that I couldn't pull myself out of... I experienced betrayal... and a host of other bad experiences that I would have bet against anyone who said he was capable of doing that to me or would do that to me... at the moment I finally trusted. I have also learned forgiveness.. did not think I was capable of that... and i have found hope... this new year will bring many more surprises I am sure... new dwelling places... at least at next birthday I do not expect to be sitting in this spot typing. we will be choosing colleges for my son... without Dan's help... he chose of course to walk away.. still hurts.. but I will be ok... the gods have other plans for me must be... or it is not the time yet... not that perfect time... I just wish as I blow out the imaginary candles of my birthday cake life (getting too many now ) my wish will be that whatever will be.. will be resolved between Dan and I .... with no more pain on my part. Maybe it is just having to figure out what to do with that love... but it is my b-day and no sad stuff today... being another year older is sad enough. 6:34 a.m. - 2004-07-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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