tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- let's try this again Let's try again. My grandmother came into my dreams last night... my dead grandmother... dead these last 17 years. I was angry with her for many of them.. Angry that she had done nothing to prevent the abuse of my childhood. But she was there last night.. and we laughed.. like we always did.. and explored the frinmges of the unknown... as we always did. How I loved my grandmother and in my dreams last night I remembered. The old man was there.. and D.. and someone else... someone that I know.. this morning I remember.. he has been with me often... I just can't see his face... but I can remember how we felt together.. our laughter. I like how I feel this morning. Samhein Ritual tonight.. I am not sure I am going to drive for 2 hours for a 30-45 minute ritual... I would not stay for the drumming and dancing... not stay to deal with the crap from J. I am not sure J understands... there is nothing more... He will never understand that words spoken.. even because of the wine he drank... will never be forgotten. We had much causing difficulties between us as it was... Now.. he isn't even a consideration... and I feel relief . and I have made decisions about D... the love so gentle. Hard decisions. and the kid is OK... he dropped his Calc.. will take the test to get credit for Calc 1 and go into a normal Calc 2 class next semester.. having lost nothing. His advisor told him that if the 45 students that initailly were in the class .. only 18 remain. I think their way of placing kids into thsi class .. a Calc 5 class.. needs to be restructured. He called last night.. after doing his help with the shelter kids... He is really getting into this community service stuff.. He is going to work at the Soup Kitchen on Monday. I am proud of him. and today.. much work to do outside.. inside... and life is good... maybe not all I want it to be.. but I am at peace... the old man guided me thru what I needed to experience... I am glad he was with me... or at least I remembered... I am beginning to understand who he is... 10:07 a.m. - 2005-10-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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