tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- today is the first day of the rest..... Expect nothing. appreciate everything. again the sliding.. hurry, quickly.. get control. tired muscles, physical labor taking the soul where memories won't. but the result.. ahh... that is where it all makes sense. the old man came back last night.. I knew he would after seeing the pale horse in my telescopic vision as sleep was almost near. I ran to him and he held his arms wide... his cape a blanket for my weariness... my cold. we didn't speak for the longest it seemed... I resting my being in his safety. You have been working hard.. he whispered, finally. Yes, I have, I smiled... you once told me how good physical labor is for the soul... and I have worked long and hard. He laughed his great laugh.. Yes, my child you have.. but that is not what I meant. and I knew... here we go again... I sighed... OK.. now what. Again he laughed,, my child... why didn't you go to the celebration as you planned. You know why... he would be there and after all these months.. he greeted me.. happy beltane and said he would be there. and laughing he asked...so what is the problem? I hesitated... because I am not going to allow myself to feel pain... never again. and then the old man laughed as I have never heard him laugh... it wasn't that funny... stop laughing. His face got that look again... that look that I can't find words for. Would it have been so bad? I don't know.. maybe. If he jumped the fire with someone else.. surely.. and if he did not and waited for me... well that just can't be... and why not? you know why... besides... I don't want to talk about this.. it will only bring us back to the beginning and I don't want to talk about that... him. the old man's eyes twinkled. what is it you feel... nothing.. I feel nothing... for no one... and let's not talk about this... his laughter a memory as I woke this morning... at me or with me? not really sure... and the fears arising today??? why didn't we talk about that.. why didn't he give me words of encouragement... or since he knows so much.. why didn't he talk to me of my job and tell me what will happen. and since I am to work until forever.. maybe that is what I need to focus on and change jobs now... for this forever will not last nearly that long. and the camp.. where is it.. my elusive phoenix... it is time.. so with a great chuckle.. or two... maybe it is time to get out of my coccoon. have I rested enough? 8:36 a.m. - 2006-05-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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