tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- what is it i need? and the circle tilts, the yin becoming the yang. I awoke in panic this morning.. this has happened everyday of the New Year, The tenseness in the gut area. My lower chakras are not insync... me thinks. I say my prayer... and start to chant and it eases, maybe it is just the long night.. or maybe it is awakening from dreams that I do not want to leave. The kind of soft and cottony.. fluffy type dreams... almost indiscernible in their actions... just pure emotion... gentle feelings. Maybe it's because his presence has overwhelmed the dreams and I don't want to let him go.. or maybe he has not been there at all and my soul feels his absence... or maybe knowing that he is nowhere in this reality for me.. or maybe it is not liking the he that he is in this reality and missing so much the other.. Or maybe, just maybe... it is that I do not know... the feeling that I am participating in the drama of my life but that I do not know my lines.. I need rehearsals, I think... to get it right... but no time as the events pass by quicker than ever before. Co-incidences... there are none.. but sometimes I am amazed at how random events all fit together and the gifts that the gods have given me.. to see what I do not know... to feel what I shouldn't feel and to understand what it is I am feeling. I want to be able to get outside and draw... so much snow... everytime I think there will be time... more snow comes down.. maybe it is to tell me that I need to do it in black and white... no colors... is that it... shall i look at things in black and white... but that would mean to be so judgemental... to cross off the grays... and to lose the wonderfulness of the colors. This morning, I need to feel the colors, I think.... 8:51 a.m. - 2003-01-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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