tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- putting away xmas another Sunday morning after a long night of not sleeping. I'm not even sure why I couldn't sleep... nothing that I could say this is bothering me or I need to worry about that... my gut didn't have that tenseness... I wasn't sad... just couldn't sleep. and yesterday was a good day spent taking down xmas. Wrapping all my Santas to be put away for another year and realizing I now have quite a few. Of course, each year someone gives me another or I see one I just couldn't live without and so get myself. Sometimes putting away xmas is sad... but it felt refreshing yesterday.. it is about getting on with my life. and last night tossing in my sleep I thought about the absence of Him and the differences in Him and the accountant ( who I spent lots of time with on the computer and phone yesterday in between boxes)and I thought about how I never really knew him at all because the him that I thought he was would not have have let xmas or new years go by without so much as a have a wonderful life. But it is OK... not sure if it is the prayer... or the chanting... or what... but I really am OK. I am not in the void... I did not want to go there and so this has been so much harder. I do not hurt and my laughter is without malice... and I am not sad.. so... I guess you could say the medicine worked? and my Zen thought for this morning... perfect for Sunday ... "All religion starts with the cry for "Help" " I like that... that will be my meditative thought for today and in greeting the sunday school classes shortly... it will be my opening line. Of course, I will not say it is a Zen saying... or anything Zen... I will just say I heard it ...only four months to go for religion and then I am thru... well, just to get my son thru confirmation... and then we will be done with this. I wonder what the accountant would think of all this. What his take on this .. we are so different. He is happy spening the evening watching a football game on TV... I think it is a waste of time... he really doesn't know anything about me and so thinks I'm wonderful. He is being very cautious and not saying anything that could be taken as serious between us.. He knows I would run. and then i wonder ... would I run? It is comforting to know he is there... Comforting... is that what I want? I don't want to fall in love... or do I... Probably I do but know I won't with him and that is why I like to be around him because there is no possibility of being hurt. But I want that one great love... that transcends realities... the one I thought I had. I was wrong, though he is my soulmate and my soul adores him on a different reality and we continue to feel him..... that is OK... but I know that one great love has to be out there someplace for me... don't you think? But I won't worry about it today... tomorrow is another day... I will chant and pray... it has already done wonders for me. 7:27 a.m. - 2003-01-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||