tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yesterday yesterday.. wow.. why did I feel him so strong yesterday morning? How truly lucky? am I... to feel him with such force and then he left with such abruptness... not like normal when the feelings of him ease into me and then slowly withdraws when his soul goes to wherever... my soul had no answer for me but was just delighting in being with him. But manny did.... Just believe.. I heard him say... Just believe.. I looked around but couldn't find him... It was what I needed... I felt content and complete. and then I got the e-mial from the accountant... he would call me later and he did. and then he said he had missed me.. I wanted to hear those words.. how bad am I ... but knew it was only because I needed to feel important to someone. and yet, I knew I had missed him... in an odd way.. not like the other... not like needing to hear a voice or feel his presence to feel complete.. just missed him. but I felt good yesterday... lost in a sea of emotions. I didn't look back... well, not too far back... just enough to his birthday last year and know he has one coming up. I thought about his birthday and my silly calling him just before midnight so I would be the first voice he heard wishing him Happy Birthday... I know, it was silly... but it was HIM...I thought of the time spent getting his surprise birthday package ready for him and how much fun it was. and I thought of regrets... actually... I do not regret any of it. Nor do I regret him... How can I regret this person that my soul feels the most comfortable with. How can I regret finding that person that I could trust... Ok... yes.. he certainly screwed that up.. but in some most interesting turn of events... if someone could see deep inside me... I still trust him.. in a way I can't explain. I still can't get past thinking that all this is about something I just do not understand yet.... something more is at work here... God is winking... everyplace I look... reminders... but how to understand. So... I am still saying my prayer and chanting. and I am smiling.. ( and the runes... well... they tell me to keep the faith.) 6:24 a.m. - 2003-01-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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