tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Is there shelter for me? In the end it will be her faith that will get her through. Bad dreams again. The hands reaching and all that crap. Leave her alone she screams to no one in particular as she tosses and turns in the blankets. I watch her from a distance... over there in the corner that Manny always watched me from. I understand his corner, you can see it all from there and not have to worry about what is behind. And I tell her, it is OK... they are only dreams and will pass soon...but it is hard for her to remember that when she is in the dream. But she tries. And her trying makes me sad. We are so very tired of trying. The pain inside that reaches up that cord to that safe hand of the universe and begs,,, No more. The universe sighs and says... but it was your choice... don't you remember... the assignment you picked... your wants to experience. And i hung my head, because I knew... of course it wouldn't be over. and so I watched her toss and turn in her bedsheets, trying to distance myself from her but knowing it wasn't to be done that way. So, reluctantly, with a cry from my soul I let go and became the child in the midst of the dream. Arms wrapped around myself, face turned from the dream reality I waited.. for the dawn. It never came ... only the alarm's shrill ring as it woke me from the terror. My pajamas were soaked.. My face was wet... not sure if from tears or the sweat of keeping me safe. My hair matted to my head... wet. But it was morning and another night was over. And I understood why my soul needs to feel his friend so .. and misses him so much when he doesn't. I think the dreams hurt my soul more than any of us. He needs the time of play with his friend. My mind can rationalize... my heart... well, the dreams can't have an effect on the iciness of my heart... so the soul takes it all. But it is morning... another cold dark snowy morning... I need heat from the sun... I need a person to hold me against the night terrors, I think. That's where my loneliness comes from... the aloneness at night... under the bedsheets. Do I actually have needs? I wonder... am I self sufficiant? After a night of bad dreams I wonder... if everything has a purpose... maybe the bad dreams are to push me out to meet other people.. so I do not have to be alone... and then maybe one day, there will be that someone... somehow... that will shelter me from the dreams. But, don't count on it. 6:36 a.m. - 2003-01-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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