tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Missing my friend Well, I did not get a "get out of this reality free card" so I woke up with all the problems that I went to bed with... but... with a little bit of understanding tempered with a dash of humility, a spot of acceptance and a shake of co-incidences.. I am smiling.. I forgot to add.. and this was really important to me today... a note from a stranger... well, not a stranger as in stranger walking down the street and accosting me type stranger but someone that would not know me on the street type stranger but that may know me on a different reality. The note brought tears to my eyes... different from those cried in sadness. and after going through everything that has gone wrong and everything that I have had to face... the real problem has been... I miss my friend. I miss him more than I knew was possible. A simple good night kiss from the accountant put me over the edge. I wanted to feel something and I didn't. it wasn't even a put your arms around them type kiss... just a quick kiss good-by as he walked me to my door and then hurried back to his car to egt home to his boys. I really wanted to feel something... I wanted the curse to be lifted... but ... nothing. And then I thought of my heart friend... that person who has taken me to so many firsts... most of which were first and lasts combined. and I missed him incredibly. I missed playing with him... that sound of his voice when he would be playing.. I missed the laughter... hearing him laugh... making me laugh. I just miss him... and it will soon be his birthday and ... it's hard to explain. I just miss my friend... and I am sorry for everything that has happened because I lost more than a lover... I lost a friend... a friend who knew more about me than anyone will ever know again.... a friend I trusted.. and then I wondered... actually came to the conclusion that I can never let anyone know who I really am again ... and I didn't even trust him with it all... because they will not want to stay around me.... and that's where the hurt came... the tears that wouldn't stop... the aloneness that I know will be my future. I never realized just how alone I was until I found my friend.. and now lost him. I could settle.. but I would always have to be on my guard,.... to make sure they did not find the real me.. and that is just so difficult. I am too old now... too much to have to hide... too much I can't explain... too much I would be afraid to understand. If they really know who I am they will leave... and it's too hard to keep me hidden. So what's left for me? My secretary tells me I will die alone or be a burden to my son because I won't try... she just doesn't understand. I have tried... but I think if it hasn't happened by now... it is not going to happen. There just is no one that would want me... not the real me.. so what's the use. well, one good thing came of all this... i don't have to worry about the "decision"... just ain't gonna happen. I think it is time to go to the void... and leave my intentions once again... at least until I can get strong again... I don't feel very strong at the moment. 8:44 p.m. - 2003-01-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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