tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One month One month... I gave myself one month.. to chant and do the jabez prayer and see what would happen. Being me I looked for drastic changes, and while doing my mall walk last night and reflecting on what has changed in my life.. I realized nothing has changed ... yet everything is different. Nothing on the outside.. nothing materialistic or human that I could touch but inside... inside there are big changes. Maybe not changes.. but understandings and realizations. Last summer, a reader, the one I did not know, the one with the deep blue eyes and the strange runes asked me what I wanted to know. I asked him, " When will I be happy?" He looked at me with such a strange yet gentle expression on his face and with a small laugh... he said, " But you are, aren't you?" That took me back... I hadn't expected that answer and I didn't want to hear that answer... I wanted him to tell me what I wanted to hear not what he had to say. But, he didn't... and then he told me something else about a different type of happiness and gave me a time line and I am starting to understand what he really meant... in his words... not my desires. and last night I realized... I am happy. Just me... Really really Happy. And I thought of my soul's friend and what the runes have told me everytime I thought I was hurting... they would say to be careful that I was not the cause of my pain and to step outside and examine exactly where the pain was coming from. I do understand his place in my life, how very important he is to my life and always has been... my soul jumps with delight when we feel him. I thank the gods for letting me find him... for everything he has helped me do... without even knowing... he strengthened me to go back to old rooms... sweep out old memories. I will always love him for what he has been to me and because my soul needs to romp with him but I can move on.. because we will always be connected. But... I only now understand... and now that I have accepted that... I feel him so much stronger... that transference of energy type thing again... and it is OK. and finally ... I know what I want to do with the rest of my life... what I want..what I'm meant to do... now to find the perfect spot. Yes, the chanting and the Prayer helped... or maybe it is a co-incidence thing again... but the timing.. I am where I am meant to be now but not where I am meant to be. Both readers have told me about the needing to move.. their time lines so similar. Will it take me that long to find the perfect place or will I find it and it take me that long to get it to the place where it will be able to support my son and I.. But it is exactly what I want... I can see the gardens now.. I can feel the energy... and see myself and guests strolling through the trees... old trees... very old trees. I can see nmyself sitting at a table...talking with a couple of guests... and we all understand each other because this is a place... a haven.. to renew our energy.. or get fortifide... or I can't explain now as I need to go to work. But it will be a place... and I won't mind changing bed linens or cooking or doing whatever I need to do for this place... because i will be at peace. and now it is time to go back to my prayer and to chant... because if I could figure all of this out in one month... well, watch out world... because the girl is on a roll. 6:27 a.m. - 2003-01-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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