tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- he called last night I was given a gift... a gift from the gods... and my soul friend. I went to the edge in a few short minutes... because of a supposed wrong to me... that in actuality never happened. But the day... hadn't been all that great and I guess, if truth be told, I was feeling vulnerable. So, with as simple a thing as a lost internet connection... I started to the edge. And in no uncertain terms I told the gods... I was through with their crap... I was through with the trusting... and the chanting and the prayer... blah... blah.. blah.. I said in my anger... give me a sign... show me your power. Not even fearful that they might. I answered an e-mail making a first date with someone I don't even think I like.. for sure do not trust... but I did nit anyway. and then the gods smiled... or maybe my soul's friend"s soul felt the anger or detachment... but I don't care why or how... I was given a gift. A phone call. I am always amazed at the patience the universe still has for me. and it was good to talk with him.. a much needed talk.. I suspect. I din't sleep much after that as I felt like I had been given energy... and it was good. Can I move on? I'm still not sure.. not sure if that will ever be possible... and then s strange thought came that maybe as much as I joke so about my others... maybe that is why they are there... so I won't have to be alone. We are all given what we need... and for sure I needed Leandra so many years ago when I was little... and the later ones all had their place... their time ... their spotlight, so to speak.... and even though I'm not sure exactly what Alex is doing .. I think there really is a purpose to it all. Or maybe it is because I watched a program about John Nash... for sure, a hero of mine. His illness... schizophrenia... hearing voices... seeing the others.. The movie about his life...A Beautiful Mind.. is one of my favorites. They asked him if he still saw.. still heard.. and he said he had found a way to keep them from disrupting his life in this reality... or words to that effect... but he never denied their existance. And I understood what pure love was... because I felt it for him at that moment.... a total stranger. And then he made reference to.. who is to say what exists in any reality.... kind of stuff. But my soul's friend helped me last night... and I am glad he sounded so well and happy. I am glad things are going well for him. and maybe for the first time I really understood... I need to get on with my life. It will be Valentines Day soon and there really really is no one that I would want to be my valentine... now that's just too scary... Oh wait... did I dream last night? Is that my brother's friend I see in my memory that I should have no memories of? Well, maybe my life just got a little more interesting. someone e-mailed me ... how do I know anything is real... I don't. However, I do know that last night.. I got angry and wrote something in my diary that showed my anger... and then walking away felt my friend... so strong... it was as if he was standing there touching my shoulder or pulling me back from the brink of wherever I was headed.. I knew at that moment... I just knew. and so I deleted that entry... and then he called. That feeling was real. so who's to say what is real or not? I just know when I feel him most days... it keeps me centered in a way I can't explain. 7:57 a.m. - 2003-02-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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