tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- am I happy? Long before she saw him standing there... leaning against that oak tree. She felt him.... his presence sending such strange feelings through her body... keeping her content in the long days past. He would be back... of that she was sure... so she would keep herself pure with thoughts only of him. He would be back... that's what she had been told... that's what her soul said daily... that's what her heart craved.. He will be back. And the days went by and the appointed time came closer... and she remembered the reader... the one with the bluest... truest.. eyes.... You will find happiness.. that is what she was told. What would make her really truly happy? She knew... the reader was wrong... she was not happy... the time came and went... she was not happy. and she read... and she studied... and she traveled to places that dreams only hint at.. and she was not happy. and she danced with the colors and talked to the little ones and saw what maybe was very real.. not the imagination. And all the while she felt him... deep and comforting... but still she was not happy. and she smiled and she laughed... and cried a little... not much for the time of crying had past.. and still did not feel happy. and then in her dreams... a very old man appeared.. kind of elfish looking... standing there next to that big oak tree... with long white beard and friendly eyes. He asked what is it you are looking for? I told him .. my friend... he should be standing here... instead there is you. He said.. "What is it you want from this friend?" He is my happiness, I said. He laughed then... his laugh like silver bells in a gentle wind. He is not your happiness, he said. I know... but I feel happier than ever before when I am with him. Don't you feel him now? He said,He is always with you.. but you know that don't you? I shook my head and the tears started to come because I knew what he was saying was true and what was to come. Slow silent tears. And the old man looked at me gently then and said sit down... rest your head on my shoulder and let me tell you about happiness and its elusive quality. and I listened... and he talked... his voice soothing when I no longer heard the words. and before I awoke... a blue bird flew by.. circling.. until it finally came to rest on the old man's outstretched hand. he looked at me and said... there is your happiness... and just as quickly the bird flew away... I watched it fly into the trees... and thought.. Well, so much for my happiness. But I laughed... not sad.. and the old man said... now.. don't look back... don't look to the future.. you will find your happiness in the today. and then he was gone. and i awoke. Strangely calmed as if all is right with my place in the world. Or... today... am I happy? Hmmmm 6:28 a.m. - 2003-02-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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