tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Confused What is it about flute music lately that takes me to places that seem to be memories of places I know well... at once strangely calming yet gives me a longing for something I'm just not aware or sure of... almost haunting.. That's where I am this morning... haunted by thoughts and people not here. Last night I had a meeting with my Priest..not planned.. my teachers and I were getting ready for our Sunday School Mini Retreat this weekend.... and he appeared. And the long expected talk about church dogma and my and others absence from Mass and what I believed and did not believe. It's not as if I dodn't teach what I am to teach... but my beliefs... well, he was not happy. and he had been sick and spoke about responsibilities and of course the whole Jesus thing came up... I wanted to say... you are tooo late because for the first time in my messed up life... I do believe in Jesus... just not in the way you want me to... But I didn't... I played nicey nice last night.. He was so sad...as if the weight of all the souls in our parish were on his shoulders and I felt bad for him. I wanted to say... my soul is alright... do not worry... but then he brought up purgatory... and limbo... and I started to have trouble going along with him so not to make waves. One of my teachers kept kicking me form under the table... She wasn't ready to start this...We have talked often about our beliefs and what we have said ... not very Catholic of us. But it was an interesting night... long... and then a phone call when I got hime..nice phone call.. and in my dreams last night.. people I do not know now but in my dream knew... everyday life dream... and I woke up feeling ... confused. But I think I know its time for the confusion to end. For me, to accept what is and what isn't and to go on. Can I do this? Sure because around the next corner.. or the next... or the one after that.. he will be there... or he won't does it really matter? 6:20 a.m. - 2003-02-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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