tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am fine That first cup of coffee in the morning... while the world is still dark... while the quietness is still here... deep inside me and in my surroundings. Their noise has abated and the darkness has settled. That is my favorite time... just me and thoughts of how the day could go... hou I would want it to go... how yesterday was,,, how my dreams may or may not have been... just my time. Yesterday was difficult... it took most of the day to get back from a dream that left me unsettled. In the end ... I tried to call my friend... I needed help that I really was afraid I could not handle.. I needed Him. Of course he was not there.. he was busy with his life and I hope everything is well with him... or was he at his convention... not sure exactly but just knew I couldn't get in touch and I needed at that moment... but I knew... aboove all... I had to get a handle on all this... and I did .. though I don't think I have ever been as frightened for my sanity or struggled so hard to hold on as I did then. And now I am smiling... because the gods gave me what I needed at that time... I needed to find my strength... to find out that I can do this.... without calling on the others... without Alex takimg control... and I found out something else also... after all was said and done... I didn't retreat into old patterns... for the first time I reached out... I trusted ...even though I didn't reach him... I trusted that if I had reached him he would have made it all better. to show that vulnerability is not something I often do... and so it was important that I reach out... just as it was important for Him not to be there..for me to have to nthe end rely on the gods and myself.... The gods had a lot more faith in me than I... Will I try it again... oh now more than ever... so eager to... but I will talk with my friend before the next attempt... more for guidance... than panic driven need. more that he will understand more because I can't change something that I feel for him so deep inside me... something that has always been... something I only now understand...I just have to accept. But, if it was a dream... how do I stop the next one from happening until I ma ready? 6:44 a.m. - 2003-02-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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