tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Would he know? So there he was... all night... every time I turned over in my restless attempt at sleep. He was there. I didn't want him to be there... I wanted to think I was moving on... not into any other's arms but in my mind.. moving on to other possibilities. But he was with me all night.. his face the face I saw when closing my eyes... the face that appeared in dreams that I didn't want to dream... but he was there. I did the runes this morning.... mine said before I make that decision I needed to step back and really look at what I was leaving behind... so in tune with my restless night... Is that why he has been brought to me at every turn... at every thought... at every co-incidence? But why? Can't anyone else besides myself understand... HE DOESN'T WANT ME???? And, quite frankly I do not want anyone that can not give me his all... I do not want anyone that wants someone else. I want to be that person someone looks to expectantly when they awake... not look at my smiling face... happy that I am there... but for that brief moment.. another pops into his mind. I don't want his thoughts to be elsewhere just before he goes to sleep... thinking of how that other person is... wondering if she is OK... I want someone that goes to sleep happy that I am by his side... grateful that the gods have seen fit to put us together. Life is too difficult to survive if both are not wanting each other so much. So... because there is no one at this moment that I could in all honesty say I could do that yet without thinking of him... I guess it is in the hands of the gods for me... because this is just too important for me to do much else. But the gods aren't making it very easy for me to move on... So... I can look at it two ways...first... it is not meant for me to move on... second.. once again this is just something I am suppose to work through,, my sacred contract and all that... you know... doing the right thing... taking the hard path instead of the easy... after all ... would the accountant ever know that I was not thinking of him totally if I let this relationship progress? Would he know that it was someone else's arms I would pretend were around me or someone else's lips that I was kissing? Would he know? Our laughter is ours... that I am sure... but the stuff I can't bring myself to get into yet..... Would he know... it wasn't him my mind or body was responding to? Maybe I'm just not ready.. Maybe it's just not yet the time. Or maybe it's still suppose to be only my soul's friend that I look for... if only in my dreams. 6:15 a.m. - 2003-02-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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