tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- But is it Len? It snowed last night. Looking out my window I did not wnat to go back to the place of contrasts... black and white and white on white... yyess... I know... there's a shirt color...white on white and that brings me full circle to an old friend. But it snowed and tomorrow it is to again and I don't like how I felt looking out my window this morning .. I need warmer climes for sure. The birthday dinner for L went just fine... he really liked his walking stick though asked me if I thought he was getting old... if it implied anything. I laughed and said it was only to remind him we will go walking this summer... making plans... with him... scary. He told me he loved me... as I started to protest he put his hand over my mouth and asked me to listen to what he had to say. He told me he had fallen in love with me last summer and that just because I do not want to hear the words.. do not make them any less true. He understood if I was unable to say them back... but he wanted me to know. He knows I have problems trusting... now more than ever it seems... but he said he was patient... though he is sending his boys to go with his sister to visit relatives next weekend so we could have some quality time...hmmm... not sure if I am ready for that yet. I just wish I could feel what I know I should be feeling for him... it is more than the trust thing... I wnat that perfect love.. and I am not sure if it is him...or if I will ever feel that way. I want to feel that love that doesn't change. Not that love that is so intense in the beginning when you think you are so madly in love... and then when that dies down and all the imperfections of the person start to get bigger than they probably are... that love doesn't last. That's not what I want... and I am afraid we are only given that one perfect love and that I already found mine and he didn't feel the same. But... no ... that one perfect love would be both people feeling the same... I should think.. so it can't have been him. But is it Len? and if it is, why do I still have thoughts of another.. I think it is time to go to karaoke and find out what my attraction is to this person.... before i settle out of lonliness and only confuse my life even more. 7:33 a.m. - 2003-04-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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