tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Nothing is as it seems did you ever get that feeling that the gods were having a go at your life? Not sure just exactly how... but just know they are having fun? I know its about experiencing and all that... but give me a break. Enough's Enough... You know? D called yesterday... I didn't recognize his voice... it wasn't the voice that carried me to places of trust that I had never been before... no longer that... just a voice and I had to ask who it was.. D who? It was that far different. He said he called to apologize for all the hurt he had given me... that is why he said he called... but that wasn't the real reason. He wanted info... he wanted reassurances that it would work out between him and her. Reassurances that I could not give.... not in all honesty. I thought about telling him what he wanted to hear... give him more false assurances so that the fall would be even harder the next time... so that he would continue on in hope until.... but I didn't. I played it straight. we talked a long time and then once again he hurt me... by a thoughtless comment... and when I told him that was the one that really was hurting... he didn't know why... which hurt even more. But we pulled ourselves together and we were fine.... better actually. I even told him that we may be coming out his way... he said to stay with him... that surprised me.... but then when I put the phone down.. when he was no longer there and we could discuss this... all of us...well.. as much as I would love to see him... I am not sure I can take the chance of going. Will they have suddenly gotten back on a good track and then he will be impatient with my coming... my intrusion on his life... even as a friend... or is his wanting me to come visit... merely to make another jealous... another angle to work.. and then I thought of L... and wished it wasn't the last Sunday before tax deadline. I pictured him with his reading glasses perched on hhis nose ..bent over the papers and the computer monitor... and wanted to hear his voice... strange.... I think more than how I feel ... it's more not believing what he says. and my sleep was disturbed and D was in my dreams when finally given the chance to sleep.... and I was in his state.... and we were fine... friends fine... and he was glad I was there... friend glad type stuff... he was cooking and i going through some of his things... throwing away his stuff... he wanted me to... we were going through the stuff actually, while he was cooking. almost like another dream.. only in reverse.. I guess.. and the runes this morning... I did not like what they had to say for me... smiled at what they had to say for him... angry at what they had to say for us.... that crap about motives... looking within to find what is actually going on... that to thine own self be true... peeling away the layers of action.. to find what drives us on.... made me think of the pros and cons... almost as if I was being told how much crap that really is... and I smiled thinking of his pros and cons list... that Of course she would have the most pros ... just like L does on my list.. No... did not like that at all. 6:23 a.m. - 2003-04-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||