tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- we will not be denied she said... it was a year ago today... she said she remembers how happy she was... excited... anticipating how it would feel... to see him for the first time in so many years. She wondered how her heart would feel... if he would stand up to her memories and their contacts via phone and e-mail. and he did. She remembers looking at everyone to see was it him as passengers from so many planes departed. She remembers. She sees his smile... when he sees her and she sees him. She remembers. One year today. She thought it would hurt more this morning.. knowing that when she woke up it would be to a far different reality than the one a year ago. but she is not hurting.... she hasn't withdrawn... and still she is not hurting. so much has happened since then... since that day. She looks back very critically and in his favor... the signs were all there. She remembers wanting to touch his face. She knew it would be a long time before their paths would cross again... somehow she knew that... and he said to stop that... to not touch his face. and she pulled back... just a little. she remembers in her kind of sleep ... her body seeking his .. to feel him next to her... a kind of security... and hearing him as he pushed her away... not so close.. he said, and she pulled back just a little more. she remembers the comment to his aunt... as if she had to be explained or why else... and she withdrew. she remembers watching the movie and how untouchable he seemed... as if she was an intrusion. she remembers the falls... for sure she withdrew there. she knows now it was over before it started... and she is OK with that. he was only perfect in her fantasy... in real life... someone far far different. and if he hadn't been someone that understood the other things in life.. or so he said... he wouldn't have had much place in her fantasy. she understands and accepts now. but she had lessons to learn and he started her back on her path... so for that she will always be grateful... and she will always love him... as someone loves an old friend. she still feels their connection.. and that makes her happy. she has learned to not get caught up in that connection and so for the moment it doesn't feel so uncomfortable. and she still has her dreams... the most precious gift the gods have given her... It has been a most remarkable year. She has flown with the clouds and been carried on the wings of the wind.... and given rest in the hands of the gods. and for who she is... all of her... she is happy. She will deny none of us now. .... Alex 6:27 a.m. - 2003-04-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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