tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- despair has many faces which is better? the going or the coming? the going has all the anticipation of what might be but the coming has all the knowledge of what is. So what has more importance for me at this moment??? Neither I guess... I don't want to do either. I don't want to be here this morning.. I want the others to just take over all of it. Today I don't want to care about any of it. Strange way to start it all off. But it is the way to go. At least for me. I spoke with L last night... and not sure how or what I felt. He said... have fun... be safe.. I'll plan something special for when you return. All the nice things you want to hear... have someone say.. but something was missing.. or was it just me. or is it because my dreams were bad last night. Long time without the bad ones... but there they were and I woke up angry in the night. and I wanted my other dreams... I wanted the old man... I would have even been happy if it was a D dream... they are nice... or my room dream... but no... it had to be the terror dream...and I don't know why. A says it 's because I still have unsettled stuff from before... the reader said to not look back... if I remember correctly..so did the old man.. so maybe..in the scheme of things..I really am crazy. Maybe that is what everything is this morning. Maybe nothing is real and I am just completely bonkers. Or maybe the realization that I was just expendable and not really worth treating as someone with real feelings. Maybe... this morning I need to wake up on the other side of the bed. Maybe that is all it is about. Just the wrong side of the bed. 6:31 a.m. - 2003-04-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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