tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- so he had a panic attack Alex and I have got to come to some kind of understanding.. I do not want her to write in here... and yet I can't delete her.... she's me... how do you delete yourself? So this is the real story. D panicked at the thought of my coming out to visit... being in close proximity... sharing memories.. polluting his sadness with sunshine. It is easy to get into the whole woe is me saga and he has more than enough support in that area than any one person should have.... but that is his life.... and that is just how he is... there were enough pros advice for my coming out... but he had to keep pressing on until he found the people that would say.. oh poor her.. oh poor you.. and that is what he latched onto because that is what he wanted to hear. he talked about bad dreams... I know plenty about bad dreams... did he think that would give him justification to blow me off once again? And speaking of bad dreams... well, it has been awhile since I had them but last night they were back.. dead Indians and disturbing stuff... funny what calms him disturbed my dreams in such a way, He is not good for me I fear. It is not as if I hadn't asked him more times than I want to count was he alright with my coming out... so reassuring he was. When I said I would drive rather than fly so neither of us would be locked into something that could be uncomfortable... he called me chicken... but I know deep down he panicked... I know this body nad soul... of course Alex thinks differently and maybe it is a good thing she is around... she keeps me grounded... able to face life as it really is.. not as I wish it. I guess though that I should feel flattered that I could raise so much emotion is someone... that just my coming to visit frightened him so much. Hmmm... now he is the therapist... if he could sit back and look at this objectively... what would he say? Or is it my comment that threw him over the edge... the comment about giving me closure.. Could it be that deep down... in that place where we are connected... and have been for so many years... was that what panicked him... did he think I meant closing the book on him? Silly boy... silly silly boy... he didn't have to panic... 6:21 a.m. - 2003-05-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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