tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the me's of me are happy this morning... I think. Every morning I check all 3 e-mail addresses hoping by chance he may have thought of me to drop me a note... he doesn't and the truth is reaffirmed that I never really meant anything to him but a distraction when he is being treated indifferently by others. That is the part I have trouble with... the part I am not sure of...how I could be so easily fooled... how I could let my guard down and finally trust and it was the wrong person.. and if after all this time he was able to do that to me... how much harder will it be the next time? Last night at Karate I got my 2nd stripe..so now I am set for belt testing next week... 2 more classes to hone up my technique.. my son worked with me yesterday so I was ready and I did it...I had to be the one in the front that they all copied and that was scary but I did it. The people are so nice there I understand why my son loves it so... he is kind of happy that he will be the one to wait and come in and watch the show after... see me try and break the boards.. I will try ... D says I will end up breaking my hand... I wish she hadn't said that as it will be in the back of my mind and leave me just a bit unsure and we know I will have to concentrate. so why do I still feel such a connection? why can't I keep him out of my mind? why can't I move on? Besides... he didn't really watch his tongue quite often and said hurtful things without really considering how I would feel when he said them... and it wasn't even stuff that needed to be said. I think the truth is somewhat closer to he was the only person I know at this moment who could probably understand me and know what I was talking about... maybe that is all it has ever been about ... and maybe if I found someone or an organization of like peoples, I would be alright.. I think the 'me's of me scared even him just a bit.. but I can't deny that part of me.. will someone else be accepting or will it frighten them also... The 'me's of me...hmmm... we are an ok person this morning, I'm saying with a smile on my face because today I feel them.. at every turn.. each making their presence felt in a way I would find it hard to explain... the body that houses us all seems to be straining at its skin so to speak! What an adventure this reality is turning into... and tonite... well, that may turn out to be very very interesting! 6:22 a.m. - 2003-07-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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