tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- night terrors, again and so once again the gods intervened and I really am confused. Just when I think I'm on the path... just when I think I understand... just when... there he is.. always... the gods answer is quick these days... leaves no room for guessing.. but how to understand the whys.. And in my dreams last night a stranger appeared.. I was hiding... my son was sleeping and he was walking through the dream.. Almost as if I knew him and yet... not sure... he was just there...walking.. and I hiding and trying to be so quiet. And when I woke from fear I was angry that there was no one to hold me tight and keep me safe. i stayed awake long last night understanding what it is I want... and what it is that I can't accept .. I want someone that I can tell anything to about me and I will know.. before I say.. I will be accepted. I want someone that won't push me farther than I want to go... that will accept who I am and not try to fix or change me. Because I'm not so sure anymore that I am broken.... I'm not so sure that the rules of what is broken and not broken are all that valid anyway. I want someone that I can tell my deepest wants, fears... stuff that I care so deeply about... hurts that I have suffered... stuff ... and they won't judge ...explain... or withdraw... just will accept me. And I really wanted someone last night that I could wake in my fear and feel his arm around me as he sleepily whispered... shhhh... go back to sleep... I'm here.. it's OK... and I really wanted someone that I knew when he whispered those words... that I knew.. beyond any doubt... that it was OK... that he was there... and I could go back to sleep. night terrors... haven't had them for a bit... I think I understand why... Could it have been the phone call from my soul's friend... Could it have been the worry for him that troubled my sleep? 8:05 a.m. - 2003-08-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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