tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I will survive.. but do I really want to. for some reason thoughts of dan woke me last night and my dreams filled with contradictions and light. will i ever be able to trust him again should he come back... and will i not be there? I am lonely and felt rejeted when Michael did not want to talk last night. That is my problem.. not his... so tired of being alone and just not sure i am ever going to find that one special person that I will fall madly in love with and he with me. I love dan.. it could have been him maybe still will be.. but now.. I am lonely. .. But i want a one woman man.. and Dan.. just not sure he will ever be that... at least for me.. and thru the years I have fallen head over heels in who I thought he was..so much like MIchael that I wonder.. except dan is not who i thought he was... would i have continued on with him? not sure.. the readers gave me hope... so i waited. but now.. I know it is time to have another reading... the time.. the hour glass is turned and I have to trust.. I guess... but not sure how i want it to go anymore.. or will i give him another chance... which is all moot reasoning ... who says he will ever come back this way again. this time he has totally pushed me away.. no contact what so ever... and then I think.. what if he isn't alright? but that would mean I would have to call him... find out... and i am not that good, and michael.. where is this going? he doesn't have dan's hair... dan's mystique... but he does have his own.. and I am really starting to care about who he is. and then there is david who akes me laugh and the sound of his voice is refreshing. we will meet soon. and jim.. probably the most honest and stablest of all i fear... and the closest.. and the one in buffalo that was married and his wife was gay... possibles... he is a homebody I think and sensitive... wonder what the gods have in store for me. time to close the page on dan... at least this chapter.. wonder where the turning of the page will take me. and Gene.. who would have thought we would have become such dear friends. the turns of life.. twists and turns of the wheel. who would have thought.. I have to keep myself away from thoughts of what could have been. I have to. 7:30 a.m. - 2004-09-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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