tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- just what I think? maybe? false alarm? another morning though this morning is different. yesterday the hospital said they found something in my mammogram. I have to go for more tests next week. It will be alright... either way. At first I was scared and upset.. not so much fopr me but for James... I had gone all the way to the death sentence.. but now.. once I got thru all the emotion and fear.. I am ok... just another adventure in this reality.. when I was in my early 20's they thought they found something... wasn't there.. then when I was 41.. they said I had the big C..uterine.. but when they operated.. it wasn't there. last year they worried about something then decided it was nothing. but now.. the same breast... this time they do see something. maybe it is the same thing that they couldn't be sure of last time... whatever. I will be alright. I have reacted differently this time.. I reached out to people.. talked it thru.. cried at my fear and now feel ok. I think that was a good response. Not my normal pull it all inside and handle it on my own. though Dan called at a bad time and I ended up telling him. I felt safe.. hard to express how I just wanted to curl up inside of him ... where I feel safest. but I didn't want to tell him... I didn't want his feelings for me to get mixed up with feelings of concern for this. But I told him and that was probably one of the most selfish things I have done.. but I did it and I wanted his energy... which I know he will send me. This was not something I am proud of.. but he is the person I know in some strange way will help me... somehow. hard to explain. maybe it is just I love him and know he loves me and the cosmos have all thei stuff going on with us... our last trip down this road of reality. oh...well... what will be will be and i am alright. actually... I think it will be a false alarm and that I will be alright.. that's what I think... 7:59 a.m. - 2004-09-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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