tarkis's Diaryland Diary

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another monday morning

another monday morning.. after an altogether lousy weekend in which I did nothing but put medicine on my eyes and mouth and bring in my flowers so the frost does not kill them.
They do look nice in the house though.. lots of colors ... makes me think of others that I miss teribly.. but need to accept that this is the way it is.
I am being open minded and my nights are dreamless... the old man pokes his head around but I refuse to talk with him because he brings thoughts of Dan and words that should i listen would mean I should "understand"
Screw understanding... not going to that place anymore.
I talked with someone yesterday who seemed so lost.. all of his "lostness" was do to his own actions.. well.. set off by a wife that had left him a couple of years ago.. and then he started drinking.. he is an alcoholic and had been sober for 20+ years ... but he took another path.. got arrested for drunk driving.. lost his very prominent white collar job and license. He has now had to take a job doing maintenance.. third shift at Walmart & begging for rides to work.. he is so depressed.
I thought after i hung up with him.. I thought how our actions.. what we do..say.. shape our future.. How careful we must be.
how in such a short time life can change.. I knew that.. I guess this just reinforced what I knew. and deep down this guy is so good.. he is one of my visualizers.. he helped me ..but now not sure I can do the favor back.
and the gods are making me stay on the right path.. so maybe I do care for Dan still.. maybe he is the one true love of my life...
but ... I do not wnat to be alone anymore...
Is that so wrong?

6:22 a.m. - 2004-10-04

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