tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- just another morning So much for getting a restfull sleep last night.. maybe it had to do with taking all the asthma medicine that I had to take last night.. maybe the coffee i drank.. but my sleep was disturbed. I thought this morning of finally ending this diary.. no one but me would be interested in it now... no one really reads it and in a way I am glad of that.. I wonder why I continue to write.. especailly on this.. why not in a more private journal? I think that this is just easier... in the morning i just plug into this.. also have a more private journal that I actually physically write in sometimes at night before i go to sleep, but there is something to this. I was suppose to go on another first date today.. he called and put it off.. secretly I was glad though I didn't tell him that. He is too hyper for me I am afraid and I on a different plane than he.. I think he knows that also.. just doesn't want that out there between us... trust he said.. an agreement between us he said... and then he blew it in a way I won't even talk to him about.. so much for the promises we made.. promises before we even saw each other face to face. But.. He also then would need to look elsewhere.. though I think sooner than later is more the should be plan.. one gets tired of the hunt. I am now more focused on where I will want to live... I got an e-mail of foreclosures in Missouri.. I am still drawn to that area even without dan... and my son absolutely wants it to be that area ... just don't know. It has finally settled in me.. Since I could never have done to him what he did to me.. Understandable.. he doesn't and never did love me... and I have finally realized what love is .. what being in love meant and how it means you can forgive anything and i did because that is what love is.. however.. I know now that though I forgave completely what I should have understood was that to do what he did meant he never loved me in the way I loved him. That is important. I am no longer angry.. He has personality flaws that have resulted in his unhappiness time and again. He will not invade or be the cause of my happiness or unhappiness any longer. Yet... I look at the weather and feel so sad when it is going to be warm there and I sit here freezing.. Decisions... we all know how difficult that is for me. 8:11 a.m. - 2005-01-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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