tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I was happy last year at this time so today is his birthday.. last year at this time I had just come home from the greatest weekend of seeing him... or so I thought. I had no idea.. that it was all a lie. Yes, she called constantly but I believed him when he explained it away. We celebrated the Chinese New Year together.. we had celebrated the American New Year together.. I saw it all as signs.. good signs. I had trusted and believed for the first time in my life... and loved with a completeness that I didn't know possible. and now.. I sent a card.. that's it.. not even from me.. from my son and I. I had painted a picture .. I would have sent it if there wasa chance we would be together.. but not knowing she would be there and I couldn't take the critique.. even if the actual words no longer filled my ears... so now just a card.. and warm thoughts.. in spite of how deceitful he is... He does not need memories of me to haunt him.. he will do that himself. I thank the gods for Johnny.. though we will never be together and haven't ever been .. he helped me.. thru a few words long distance to understand... I think I helped him too thru the sadness of his broken marriage. He helped me to heal myself of the pain of loving someone who was not worth the amount of time or love thta I put into it. The gods tried to save me a couple of years ago.. when Johnny first looked for me.. but I ignored it.. I am sorry for that..I would have been much farther along the path of healing and maybe I would have helped Johnny thru his hurt a little sooner. I am glad Johnny did not give up on me.. that he was in touch with the gods.. that they showed him what he and I needed.. our friendship... nothing more... just a true friendship. 7:35 a.m. - 2005-01-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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