tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Symbolic I don't seem to remember to write so often anymore. Words just seem to stay in my mind.. the energy needed to put words to paper not as strong these days. My son likes John. He talked with his vocal teacher about John.. He also talked with her about Dan. I didn't realize how hurt he had been by Dan also... He thought Dan really cared about him.. not as just the son of the mother he lusted after. Of course, at the time the mother.. me.. thought she could believe the words of love and did not see the betrayal.. not for her and not how her son was feeling. But he talked about this new John, not the John of the pagan... and not any of the other Johns.. Why is it there have been many first dates and only dates... and all seem to be named John? I know it has something to do with keeping Johnny in my mind. My friend for all time Johnny. I am wavering... should I return Dans call? the part of me that will always love and be in love with him says.. sure go ahead... the part of me that has been so hurt says... remember if you do.,.. for him it was only lust.. only lust. and then I start to shrink..wither away form the thought of calling. You're right I say to my other self... Don't be so weak. Get it thru your head... remember his actions... and I do... and i don't call. and then the sun shines and the arguments again start... for that is what love is.. total forgiveness... and I could.. if it wasn't just lust on his part.. nothing to forgive... just the way it is. and then the coldness of life settles on me... and i think of them... and blow ice winds across the miles. Soon I will be near.. yet farther than I ever have been before. what if it turns out my son ends up there for school.. what if? I will deal with that another time.. instead at the moment I will turn to the harsh bright golden light of a winter sun shining off the ice crusted snow... It hurts my eyes. Symbolic.... 6:38 a.m. - 2005-02-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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