tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- as in the beginning my dear friend... that place where words are a balm for the happenings of life. So much has been going on.. haven't had much time nor ability to put cohesive thoughts together. After morning meditation, today I have words. We will be leaving early tomorrow, we need to be at another college Sat morning... it will be a long drive. Unexpected news... wonderful.. we will meet all demonstrated financial need... that's what their acceptance letter said... BUT... haven't gotten their financial aid packet but it is a big plus and he is excited.. and I will be happy as he will be much closer when I move. Hopefully we will find that place that I will be happy in this coming week.. but I am open to the cosmos and feel it deep inside.. it is there and I will find it. No longer driven by ego.. just pure guidance from what is. and I realised very important stuff.. faced up to important stuff... I have been working on separating myself of ego.. difficult.. and I say that with a smile. Once i stepped back and took a look at me without the ego.. I knew..that which was causing me so much pain and sadness had been dead long before. It was his kiss.. such a simple thing you might think.. but that night.. a year ago.. his kiss... and it was like a foreign presence touching my lips.. purely physical yet not creating that spark... at least for me... oh he responded.. but not me.. not like before.. not like what once was. But of course, my ego... made excuses and so a few months later tried again.. and as much as I was thrilled and still loving him... the kiss again.. it told me things I did not want to face but have plagued me since. And my ego would not let it die.. because it is hard to face what he did and was to me.. and because the other part of me not controlled by ego could not get involved with anyone else that I didn't feel completely about..couldn't let anyone touch me.. my ego would tell me it was because I still was in love with him. I guess I will always love that person I thought existed .. for one month.. he was that good... but that is not who he really is and so without ego there can be no continuation. But.. I know the kind of person I need and want.. so that is a plus.. if there was any plus that came out of that whole mess. Tomorrow a new adventure begins.. no longer concerned with the temptation of seeing him.. not tempting at all... pictures taken down.. put in boxes.. packed away.. room for new memories and a new life. 6:33 a.m. - 2005-04-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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