tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- what happened to my night. My sleep... disrupted last night with terror. Not sure why... I remembered to go to that place I should.. I tried every trick I know to get out of the place I woke up in .. but the terror.. No matter how i tried.. the terror was there.. If I thought about moving... terror.. if I thought about staying.. terror.. no matter which side I chose.. terror..my son's school.. terror... selling my house.. terror.. not selling.. terror.. the place to move to.. terror.. and even D as I started to suspect it had something to do with him.. I thought about him then... and it started to ease and I said ..ok.. have I hidden my deep feelings for him and they are surfacing this way... is it because I should not walk away... and I felt calm for a second but then more terror as I did not want to have to go thru it again with him.. the pain he can cause me... so I said.. OK.. is this the final break.. and the terror again was there. Probably I need to talk with him... Or is this just the recurrence of my old night terrors again starting.. but why? my narrow path.. that place of calm? Each day I try to stay on it.. and i am much calmer and happier and content with myself.. with my aloneness.. Or is that it... am I becoming too calm.. am I retreating from life... but I am excited about John... even if he is sooo much like D.. the possibilities.. Oh I just don't know. I just don't know.. What is wrong with me? I did my morning meditation to the sound of creation.. just before daybreak.. the new energy I had hoped would fill me with joy... and I am back to that calm happy place.. full of acceptance and expectations.. but what happened last night? 6:25 a.m. - 2005-05-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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