tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Is it done? Is it finally done? I didn't realize I had so much hidden emotion sitting there so quiet like the under thin filaments of the mushroom. The dream last night... so real.. even to the look I gave D after James reaction to her questions... his dismissal of her.. and she caught that look. We spoke very little.. he and I as words no longer have a place.. the true words will never be spoken as too many lies have taken their place.. but the dream. Her brother asked me about D.. there at the table.. I would have thought after James' reaction they would not have pressed but they did and I very quietly answered.. all sweetness and light. The lies emerging... everyone at the table knew I was telling the truth. D's face held no anger toward me.. only expectation and acceptance as he knew I would no longer hold anything back.. I was not the ones caught up in so many lies and half truths. Had she been smart she would have shut her mouth and let all matters drop.. but no.. in the dream.. so intent on making her place known... she pushed. I saw the look.. the panic on his face as he knew I would not hesitate... and I didn't. I saw her look also.. thru eyes made icy with the remembrances.. They left the table then... and we packed up to go... to leave this place of pain... and dis-illusionment.. I smiled.. it was over.. but at the end.. getting ready to go out the door.. she stopped me.. to give me a hug.. as she touched me... a deep voice.. not like my own but loudly exclaiming for the world to hear...from deep inside.. "YOU WILL NOT TOUCH ME" Her eyes grew wide as she dropped her arms as if they had been burned... D came running... frightened.. and not sure for which of us. I smiled.. and calmly told them.. It is done.. and i guess it is... maybe this has what has been holding me back.. the unsaid hurts.. and now they have been said. Who cares if only in a dream... my soul knows our dreams have always been connected.. and for the few that I remember.. it must have meaning... They always have. and laughing this morning... I remember.. and thru the dream.. I remembered... for all that he is.. good and bad.. I love this man. No expectations.. no limitations. I love this man. Would I ever want to have him back in my life? Ah, well.. that is another thought entirely.
7:18 a.m. - 2005-05-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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