tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- he is my calm in the storm we talked yesterday, albeit through key strokes.. but we communicated. The runes have been telling me as much as I am on the cusp of adventure and change, there was someone I was forgetting.. someone I needed to talk with.. someone that I couldn't dismiss.. that the time had come to go back and confront.. if only to say good bye. and that is exactly what I had in mind.. when I saw him on... when I wished well for him.. But it wasn't good bye. As much as I was sure he was behind me.. in his world and not meant to touch mine again.. the signs were there.. I was on the right path but because the destination is not yet determined.. I had no idea it was leading me back to him. and after, I thought long and hard about choices... My choices. and when I think of him.. it is still with love and tenderness.. as if he was in the next room taking a nap.. or working hard on some presentation... as if I could walk in any moment and kiss his forehead.. or the back of his neck.. or take his hand and lead him to places only he can take me to. and then I thought of J... we have so much going for us.. he is like me in many aspects.. on the surface we would be happy. But.. i can't get past the truth... It will always be difficult about he and my son... I am not ready to give up the closeness my son and I have. I will not.. he only has me... not am I ready to make him uncomfortable.. though he has been great..wanting me to spend as much time as I would want with J.. He just wants me to be happy.. J on the other hand.. is not at all interested in my son.,, and so I spend little time with him. but then.. the major problem with J is that I am not in love with him.. he is someone to spend time with.. someone to laugh with... someone so the days are not so lonely... and so.. do I want to settle? He has great qualities.. but... the minuses are too important I am thinking and now that I have found what love is.. how it feels to love someone.. I don't think I want to settle. and as much as I can pretend D is no longer a part of my life.. my dreams..his keystrokes.. my thoughts.. my heart... tell me otherwise. Our connection... as strong as it ever was. Our love.. just as strong I suspect. But.. it has settled a few things in my mind.,, and helped with the decision process of where to live. and now.. time to throw my runes. 7:11 a.m. - 2005-05-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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