tarkis's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so now what?

he called me last night.

I paused before answering the phone..

it was him.. my only love and therefore the only person capable of destroying my calm.. I wanted a good night's sleep and it would not come if I answered.

Not like it once did after talking with him.. I remembered how the bed would feel so soft and comfy.. how my head would hit the pillow peacefully, happily as the man I loved had just wished me good night.. told me to sleep fitfully and most of all.. had told me he loved me.

We would have talked about the future, our future and made plans... I would have felt secure.. his arms would be cradling my sleep, his shoulder my pillow.. albeit imaginary.

But those days are gone.. we have no present and certainly no future, and yet the phone was ringing.

I answered cautiously, tentatively.

He was just calling.. wondering how I was.. where I was moving to.. I answered truthfully.. I did not know.
I suspect his girlfriend had a hand in this.. wanting to know how close i would be.

and though I had almost ruled out completely his area.. his call made me wonder.. is indeed that the place I am to be?

so NO.. my sleep did not come easy.

second guessing everything in my life.

I told him I could not call any longer.. the hurt too much for me. I did not like how I felt after.. when she answered the phone.

He said he would be the one then that would keep in touch. He called on his way home from work as he had done so many times in the past. I realized then.. it was not that he had called me then because of me.. it was because he needed to be free when he got home for her calls or for her.. he couldn't take the chance I would call.

How stupid and trusting and oh so much in love then.

but I know now.. the call was just a call.. surely prompted by events in his life.. not about me.

but we talked.. he talked about what he is doing to his home.. I thought... their home.

No.. my sleep disturbed... my soul sad.
I miss what we had.. well, actually not what we had but rather what I once thought we had... and his voice, the call, as if we were just a moment away from that again.

Confusion got me out of bed this morning. Confusion and wanting.. no needing in some soul filled way to hear his voice.. to hear him tell me everything.

throw my runes and leave it to the hands of the gods.

please, by all that is sacred and holy.. let me know my path or at least the path to choose right now.

5:58 a.m. - 2005-06-02

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next