tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- will I be able to get it together again the little boy, diagnosed last year with inoperable brain stem cancer, wanted to sing at the recital yesterday. He did and brought the house to it's feet. His voice, as though an angel sang, brought tears to everyone's eyes. His face bloated from treatments to try and slow the disease reminded us all of what energy it was taking him to do this... his breaths labored. The recital was wonderful and hearing my son sing.. it was as if I had never heard him before.. he was that good and I was shocked. The audience whistled and cheered. He was given an Award of Excellence for his improvement.. Many in the audience I knew.. old teachers from high school.. old friends from another lifetime. it was a wonderful highly positive emotion charged day. and my dreams last night.. magical blue berries.. dream filled with colors and sensory memories.. and of D and not of D... I am on my path.. though plans seem to be changing daily... or maybe it is the lack of plans and just following the path. and as I felt myself drawn to him once again in my dreams and half sleep... I remembered. He didn't care enough to call to find the results.. and turned his cell off so I wouldn't bother him. It was a turning point. beyond love.. friendship was at stake.. I would not have treated an acquaintance like that much less someone just hours before had reminded how loved they were and that WE would get thru this together. and those memories flooded my soul... I know it is something that I will need to work thru because forgiveness is necessary for me... and I need to trust and I certainly hope to be able to get into another relationship someday... I do not want to spend my life alone and I would prefer to spend it with someone I could love and give my heart to.. than someone I just chose because it seemed we could at least be friends. I have to get this together.. I think I will end up alone.. as I am beginning to really understand... I feel no attraction toward anyone. 7:14 a.m. - 2005-06-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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