tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- just thoughts this morning I went to see the play my son was in last night... my best friend went with me. It had been ages since we had actually had a chance to talk about what was happening in our lives. My son was great... and I just a little sad knowing I probably will not be seeing him in another for awhile at least. Especially now that his major has changed so drastically.. As I watched him I thought how grown he had become.. and his voice... as much as he tried to make it gruff in the play.. it was strained as his voice is not gruff. and T and I talked.. she does much as a sounding board for me.. as I do her... we talked about what she thought of the age difference and should I seriously consider this. He is the first, that I have really felt much of anything since D.. or is that because in my mind I think he is not obtainable so safe for me to feel. Sometimes.. I realize just how screwed up my mind is... and then I wonder.. do I .. did I .. really care for D.. of course I did.. do.. I didn't back away when I knew I was falling hard all over again.. because I thought he was obtainable.. I believed his lies... I thought he was a better person than he was... and we had that connection.. our souls danced often together in the night's calm... and in the day.. they called to each other.. and still do.. though now I try not to let it happen...I try to keep the connection severed.. try not to feel. but R.. it is starting in much the same way that it did with D... blind siding me.. I initially thought.. he will be a great friend and that will be it.. but my thoughts go often to him.. he is having trouble getting calls out to me.. where he is.. the cells do not work well. Just as well.. giving me time to think.. though he sent me an e-mail... he is having a great time.. yet misses me.. strange.. he misses me.. and we haven't truly looked into each others face.. isn't that how it was with d... how many months before I got to see the face of the man.. no longer his boyish face.. and yet.. always still. and before it I knew.. actually I knew on his first b-day... I knwew that night when I called him back just after 12:00 his time.. because I wanted to be the first to say Happy b-day. I ma there.. that place I was not ot go to... back to throw my runes... find my stone.. and work on my grant proposal..and get ready for the party next week. my baby is graduating.. 7:48 a.m. - 2005-06-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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