tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- my sister my sister called crying yesterday,, please come.. I need you.. I think I am at a really bad place. she has never done that. I knew deep down in that place of truth that he had been hitting her.. I knew it was not good between them.. her false too happy laugh.. the sadness in her eyes. I also knew I could not help her until she was ready to accept that help. I knew she would listen that first time she reached out.. I also knew unless she was in really bad shape.. it would not be the last. Why did I know.. Hmmm.. thsoe forgotten years again.. they seem to have a way of creeping back into my memory no matter how much I try to never look back to them. and I remembered after leaving her... after seeing her jump at an unexpected sound.. after listening to her say.. he is not a bad person.. not really.. I push his buttons.. I do not know when to shut up.. I screw things up... and it isn't always this way. No? but aren't you always one step away from expecting it.. from doing stuff to avoid it.. and the unforgiveable.. pushing yur son away because he is not perfect? She went to say.. You don't understand but stopped. I had said the same thing to her... he wasn't always like this... it was so good in the beginning.. but things aren't going right for him just now.. he is tense.. I should not push so. Until the last time when they came to get me from the hospital.. my face unrecognizeable.. my body covered in black bruised spots.. and the baby I was carrying.. in a few days dead.. the trauma too great for its unborn self to handle. it was the last time Lynn one of my other selves was allowed to control any part of me... it was the birth of Alex. Alex pressed charges... Alex walked away.. head high.. and said... never again. She asked me about that.. she said sometimes she feels as if there are other people inside her.. she asked me what it felt like to have so many people and that she had begun to easily be able to see the different ones I had..and we talked about that. and I told her they were me.. that they were just aspects of who I am.. she asked how do I handle my aloneness? I laughed and said I am never alone... and then I told her it had to do with my spirituality and what I believe.. and my unwavering belief I will not always be alone... that there is someone for me. and then we talked about j and how he would not be the person and why.. we talked about d and how much I still loved.. but that he will not be the person. and that it was all.. OK ... because.. well.. I told her.. on a warm summer day.. taking a walk in a cool old growth forest.. it is enough. 6:44 a.m. - 2005-07-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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