tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- he called again He called last night. As happy as I was to hear his voice, I knew my sleep would no longer come easily. I ended in the cradle of the gods once again and finally the peace of sleep. I know as much as I would like to stay in that cradle.. pulling the veil down around me.. distancing from what I feel for him.. well.. then the old man comes into my dreams. My child, he is part of you. Do not run.. trust in the goodness of the universe, it will take care of you. I wanted to tell D.. please... come when I take James to college.. please come.. I am afraid of the pain... I am afraid of losing my only child.. my only glue to reality. I wanted to tell him. please come for me.. for how much I miss you. I didn't... I was afraid he would come because of my fear and not because I missed him so and needed to see him.. needed to laugh with him.. needed to rest my head on his shoulder when darkness surrounds. He talked about lakes being in the area.. I thought maybe I would look to see about staying someplace near there. I thought about going to see where his old alma mater was.. walk maybe the same streets he had walked so often years ago.. see if I could connect to any extra energy that might have been left there from him. Silly stupid thoughts. I miss him.. I love him.. he was.. is my all. and this date tonite.. how does one even look to a possible future.. when I am so in love with the past. I know.. I know.. don't look back.. but it isn't about looking back.. or forward.. he just is. I will throw my stones.. they have to tell me something more.. they have too. 6:51 a.m. - 2005-07-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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