tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am frightened once again the terrors are back. by the closing of one door, does it have to open this door? Strange these last few years they've been gone.. strange how all the more terrifying they are now since they've come back. Waking frightened.. feeling as if at any moment the rest of my world will come crashing down at any given moment during the day. he is gone... and with his leaving a part of me I need back. as much as I love him still, always.. not sure I want him back.. just the parts of me he holds... the cords of connectivity. two years ago when they cut a cord attached to him... I bled.. real blood.. lots... and our bond was stronger.. more than I could ever understand. but if they cut this cord.. if the shutting of a door is having this effect what will happen if they sever the cords connecting us. but I fear I can't move on if they don't. and staying at this place of shut doors.. is not good. and staying in the void is not a pace of growing but a place of refuge. How do I figure this all out without talking with him. How? and talking with him will only bring me back to the place of possibilities. somedays are harder than others, I suspect. but trying to push out the positives into the universe.. and that's the key.. I will just keep on trying. 6:29 a.m. - 2005-07-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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