tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a messed up mind the tears just do not stop... I have never felt so alone in all my life. everyone keeps saying now you can center on what you want.... on my life. I only wanted he who I could love totally.. completely and know in the deepest recesses of my soul that he felt the same. It was not to be. after 55 years.. I may be slow.. but I finally figured it out. It is not to be. as soon as I get a handle on these tears.. I will be alright.. I will put the smile on my face.. answer when necessary.. even laugh.. but if you listen carefully.. you will hear the hollowness of the laugh.. if you look in the eyes .. you will see the deadness guess I am in a bad place... guess. D called last night.. he also said he lies and so negated anything he might have said.. all the right things.. like I will be there for you... like you are deeply loved.. like I wanted to come surprise you while you were taking the kid to college.. all the things I needed and wanted to hear.. even if they were all lies. Just lies. but I get it.. It is not to be.. nothing is to be... I can either settle for a life with someone I am not in love with... or be alone. I guess the aloneness will win out... maybe it is the stubbornness in me.. maybe it is my own personal contract that will not let me settle.. I am betting on what is.. this time around.. following the line of energy that I know will lead me to where I am to be.. and my aloneness? what the hell.. I guess there are worse things. ok.. so I am smiling now... sometimes words are what is needed.. 6:56 a.m. - 2005-08-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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