tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I must know who I am My runes this morning.. talking about dishonesty and lies.. judgements and self judgements, who am I? and being honest with myself and with that in hand turning to face others. Ok.. truth. Friday night with J was wonderful.. we had a great time... with the anticipation of Saturday being just the greatest. He would go with me to see the ancient ones. We would experience this together. but,,, Friday night in moments of complete relaxation.. mindless.. at peace.. when I went to answer a question or to talk.. 3 times I started to call him Dan... Once I did but not sure he caught that. So much confusion.. it was as if Dan was there.. or my mind was with him... but.. there was no laughter. There was gentleness ... comfort.. safety.. but no laughter. I need laughter. and there was prejudice... J is prejudiced.. against much it seems. Certainly did not expect that. and Saturday when he could not go... I was angry.. hurt... and felt betrayed.. though he didn't see that. and relieved when i got home that I had not shared this with him... because in my soul..I was sharing it with D. and yesterday.. thinking it thru.. I need the laughter... and D called yesterday.. called to see how the trip went.. surprising me. He said he would and he did. But I can't go back to what was with D... There are boundaries now. He will come on bended knee.. ring in hand... with plans... boxes, as we plan our new life together. Or a cup of coffee will be his only gift. 6:58 a.m. - 2005-10-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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