tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- just a moment It is a gift I feel to be able to lie my head down ... send off positive thoughts to those I love and fall asleep immediately. my grandma used to say it came to those without guile. I think it is more I have learned the time my body is ready for sleep. My son .... he is on my mind this morning... He wrote me a long email.. I had gotten his bank statement.. and once again.. got on his case... but that is the least of it... He hasn't gotten everything in line to drop his calc class... has not arranged to take the credit test... and he seems to be having real problems with those in his dorm... and his father still hasn't gotten in touch with him, He is going to try one last time... he will ask him to come to his concert in NYC... I have tried to be the buffer between him and his very selfish father.. but i can't do it anymore. James is older now and somethings I can't make right. It is easy to understand why he cared so much for D... well, besides the fact that D is the only man I really let around my son.. not as if I dated much while he was growing up... Maybe that was a mistake.. But then again... D walked out of our lives... I just don't think a lot of guys walking in and out of our lives would have been a good thing. Strange that he was more comfortable with D in such a short time than he ever was with his father. and D... he emailed me... talking about commitment.. time will tell.. not expecting... not sure it is something he can give. but in my dreams last night..we were walking hand in hand down a wonderful path.. be we were so intent on the path. The old man was sitting in a wonderful old stone bench.. along the path strewn with leaves and vines. We started to pass him.. not really noticing he was there.. He called out to us.. I ran to hug him.. I was so happy.. my two favorite people were with me... He asked where we were going.. we smiled and held hands.. to our future we told him... The old man laughed and seemed to hold us both tight in his embrace. My children, he whispered... you have found your love, take comfort in that, now enjoy it in all its surroundings... look around and listen ... live. the old man was gone... I remembered looking at D's face then... he looked at mine...we really looked at each other.. I remember a blue jay yelling.. I remember smells of flowers.. sunlight glistening on the stones.. the leaves... the birds.. and I felt a love I can't explain or even want to. how complete the moment... and waking this morning.. not sad that there was no one's head on the pillow next to me.. just glad to have had that moment... even if it was only in my dreams... 6:19 a.m. - 2005-11-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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