tarkis's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the Count your blessings land the kid called... his show was a success and after inital fear... he was fine. and then,,, check your camera phone MOm... I sent you a picture of me.... I shaved my head... I look awesome. I don't know what to say...I was shocked... He looks thuggish. But.. it is his head.. and hair can grow back. and the storm woke me last nigt.. the wind blowing so hard. I woke though with calmness and so smiling with thoughts of have I made it thru once again..in falling back to sleep... I spoke.. Please let me dream.. I want to dream. and before I closed my eyes it seemed I was in a place I have never seen before... a wide expanse of nothing but light and stones... large... small.. spread out for as far as I could see. and standing at a spot...the old man... I ran to him. He turned and held me in his arms and tears that seemed to come from forever poured from my eyes. We didn't speak for the longest. I missed you I said at last... He smiled and said he had laways been there. He took my hand and we walked to a spot that the light seemed to shine brighter on... and stones that seemed to have been worn by someone sitting on them. We sat. Where are we I asked... the place where one counts their blessings.. their gifts... he answered. I wanted to say... why.. but I thought as much as my life was sucky.. maybe I should wait to see if he had anything else to say. His next words... Shall we count yours? What... lets count what I don't have... He laughed then... My child.. my child... let's start... Ok oK.. if i have to do this.. fine... I thought..My son... he smiled.. yes.. it was your greatest request... a child.. a son. ok.. short list... now what. His laugh this time was contagious... and I found myself laughing in spite of my contrariness. I didn't know what to say. Your gifts.. your talents... your blessings... and then we talked and I understood much... My grandma.. that showed me the gift of laughter.. that came visiting just a bit ago... the gift of healing.. understanding the hows. the gift of understanding... without accepting anyone dogma the gift of being able to see and dance in the colors the gift of rememberance of past lives and so many more... the forest.. the white buffalo.. the deer... we talked long. and then he asked about d... what about him... You haven't included him... Why should I... not sure if he was a blessing or a curse. Again the old man laughed and made me laugh with him. You asked for the love that spanned time itself.. and you were blessed with it. Well.. yes... but look how that turned out. I layed my head in his lap and we talked about that... He caressed my hair and spoke softly.. and I understood about D and that it wasn't about me getting past this.. and that I was wrong to put conditions on our love... for you can't... not with a love like this.. but... but.. but... my soul cried out to him... No buts... he answered. It was what you wanted. I feel so alone... I know he said... your path is your path... but there is much along the path to keep you company.. to offset your loneliness..remember... your path is not the norm... you only get upset when you think within the lines.. because you can't fit that mold. so then I told him my quest... to hear the voice of god... he laughed... and laughed.. and laughed... and I laughed at my silliness for how could I... insignificant me expect to hear the voice of god. I asked if he had heard it.. He held me tight... and for a moment I felt the strangest feeling of understanding.. being.. all... a feeling of being one with the picture Yes.. he whispered.. Yes.. and so have you. He was gone then.. or maybe not.. but I don't remember anything else.. just those last words. and the feeling that I know something that I have just forgotten but that is very important... that it is right there if I could only clear my head a little. and as I sent my morning energies... how to explain the feeling when I came to D. 6:44 a.m. - 2005-12-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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